# JOKES ``` I told my sister she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. ``` ``` What's big, grey and can't swim? A castle. ``` ``` A termite walks into a bar...and says is the bar tender here ``` ``` A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his pants. The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants?" Pirate looks at him and says, "Argh it's driving me nuts" ``` ``` What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin. ``` ``` During a routine physical, the doctor checked his patient over before commenting, "It looks like you get a fair bit of exercise." The man replied, "Oh yeah, in fact, just the other day I walked five miles over rugged terrain. I waded along the edges of a lake, pushed my way through tall thistles, climbed up rocky hills, and got sand in my eyes and shoes."  The doctor was impressed. "Well, you are certainly a dedicated outdoorsman!" The man sighed, "Not really, doc. I'm just a really bad golfer." ``` ``` Every heard of the Dolly Parton Diet? Its where you "go lean" you "go lean", you gooo leannnnn.... ``` ``` I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. — Will Rogers ``` ``` A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O. ``` ``` Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter? I’m not telling you. You might spread it! ``` ``` Dude 1: Hey, bro? Dude 2: Yeah bro? Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet? Dude 2: Brochure ``` ``` A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw' ``` ``` Two men steal flashlights and break out of a mental institution. They find themselves on the roof of the building with orderlies closing in. The men look and see there is an adjacent roof they might be able to jump onto. The first man runs and leaps over the gap, landing on the roof of the next building. "Come on, jump!" He urges. The second man replies,"I can't! I'm too scared!" The first man yells, "I'll shine my flashlight across the roofs and you can walk on the light to me!" "I'm not a fool!" Exclaims the second man. "You'll turn the light off when I'm half way across!" ``` ``` "When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrene, party of two, table ready for Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they' 11 say the name again: "Dufrene, party of two. " But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry." ``` [A Complete Ranking Of (Almost) Every Single Mitch Hedberg Joke](https://www.buzzfeed.com/mrloganrhoades/a-complete-ranking-of-almost-every-single-mitch-hedberg-joke) ## Tech ``` A SQL query goes to a restaurant, walks up to 2 tables and says “Can I join you”? ``` ``` How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. We don't address hardware issues. ``` ## Stats ``` "I used to think correlation implied causation. Then I took a statistics class. Now I don't." ``` ``` A statistician confidently tried to cross a river that was 1 meter deep on average. He drowned. ``` ``` When a statisticians hear, "Successful people start their day at 4 a.m.", they think: 1. Waking early makes you successful? 2. Something about success makes it hard to sleep at night? 3. Success is lethal; Only early risers survive? 4. You did your survey at 4am. ``` ``` Statisticians are mean lovers ``` ``` Yo momma is so mean, she has no standard deviation! ``` ## Paraprosdokians ``` "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx ``` ``` "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." —Mitch Hedberg ``` ``` On the other hand, you have different fingers." —Steven Wright ``` ``` I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." —Groucho Marx ```